Rediscovering Oneself.

I am in the process of doing just that rediscovering who is Larry.  Looking at where I am in my life; am I where I want to be at this point in my life. I know some of you are thinking it won't be a long process.  I have had some major events in the past few months that have me wondering where I go from here.  What is next for me in my life? Am I doing what I need to be doing with my life? I feel that I am at a crossroads and not sure what direction I should take.

At the end of 2012, I thought I had it all figured out. I was signing a contract to establish a line dance class, secure in my job and starting to meet new people in the area. Paul and I were settling into our new home here in Clarksville, all was good.

Then the first person, I develop a close bond and friendship with is diagnosed with terminal cancer.  For seven months, my life had a true purpose that of being his confidant and caregiver. Now with his passing, I am lost and wondering what do I do now.

I have been told I should go back to doing what I did prior. I just don't know if I am interested in doing what I had been doing prior to taking care of my friend.  Oh sure I still love to teach, I just don't have the drive to work on establishing a class at this time.

My professional life is secure and my boss will be glad to know I am not looking to make a change.  Well not any time soon and if I do seek a change professionally, I am not sure I want to stay in the medical profession. Yet after 30+ years what else do I have...

No, I need to seek out what is going to make me feel complete again. What will give me the sense of purpose that I feel I have lost this month. I have to do things to enrich my life.  Where to start, I work from home, so I have to seek something outside these four walls that I will enjoy and put me out with other people.

I have done a great deal of soul searching the past few weeks, just working to get my mental/emotion state back to a steady keel. I am not quite there but feel I am moving in the right direction. One day at a time is all anyone can do to regain some sense of emotional stability after a loss.

Paul and I have been to Missouri to spend time with Dad and family.  It always good to start one's rediscovery with those that have known you all your life.  They are the ones that can ground you to your original principles of life.  Paul and I took a trip to reconnect for ourselves and regroup as a couple. I believe these two actions are and was necessary to help me refocus on my relationship with family and Paul. I believe starting with these two steps necessary when rediscovering oneself to bring you back to a solid starting point. So now that I have started the healing from losing my friend and regrouping here at home. I need to focus on what is going to enrich my life.

I enjoy dancing and recently discovered that there is a Clarksville Dance Club. I found that they offer dance classes and you don't have to have a partner. So I have contacted them and plan to start classes in September. This is the first step at getting me out into the public and meeting new people.

I am looking into what volunteer options are here for the city and also what other groups are in the area that may be of interest to me. I have thought about going back to church but have not determined where I will feel comfortable or if I am ready for an organized religion again.

So my rediscovery process is underway and I feel I am making progress toward rediscovering who Larry is and what is next for me in the near future.  I think to rediscover who you are; one has to focus on where you come from, what you have accomplished, and what your true interest are that give you comfort and a feeling of purpose in your life.

Keep dancin' Larry B. 

Dealing with Loss of a Loved One

I recently lost one of the Best Friends a person could ever have in their life. I was fortunate to be Luke’s primary caregiver during the last 5 months of his life. I would not have changed that for anything for as far as I was concern I was the only one capable of caring for him and being his advocate with the medical professionals. Dealing with the loss of Luke Henry has brought back memories of taking care of my mother and it has been a difficult time for me, emotionally and mentally.  I am a Registered Nurse; I knew what to expect and what was the most likely outcome of Luke’s Diagnosis. I think it is harder to deal, with a loss of a loved one, knowing this information than if I did not know what to expect.

Grief is the normal internal feeling one experience in reaction to a loss, while bereavement is the state of having experienced that loss. The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. The seven emotional stages of grief are shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. Symptoms of grief can be emotional, physical, social, or religious in nature. Even though I can put into words what is expected or what to expect with this loss. I still have to accept the loss of my friend and work through the stages of grief like everyone else.

The type of grief, I experienced is called Anticipatory grief. It is defined as the feelings loved ones have in reaction to knowing that someone they care about is terminally ill. It occurs before the death of the afflicted loved one and can be an important part of the grieving process since this allows time for loved ones to say goodbye to the terminally ill individual, begin to settle affairs, and plan for the funeral or other rituals on behalf of the person who is dying.  Even though I had time to say good bye, help Luke with settling his affairs and plan out his funeral, the loss is still difficult. Luke was more than just a Best Friend; he was loved like a little brother and will always have a special place in my heart.

There is no set time limit on grieving; each individual has to work through the grieving process at their own pace. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what he or she “should” be feeling or doing. Often, he or she feels isolated and alone in his or her grief, but having someone to lean on can help him or her through the grieving process. I am fortunate that I have the support of my partner Paul, Luke’s family and all the other wonderful friends in my life.

Recently, someone called and stated they had delayed in calling because they did not know what to say to me regarding the loss of Luke. I too have had that delayed reaction to other experiencing a loss of a loved one. It’s often hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s little you can do to make things better. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. Don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone grieving. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. You might not know exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there; your support and caring presence will help him or her cope with the pain and begin to heal.

I know all of us that knew and loved Luke are still in the midst of our grieving process. It will take us all time; the support of each other and those around us to move forward without Luke. Luke was a remarkable individual and will be missed that all that was fortunate to have known him. He will never be forgotten but the pain of his loss will subside to a point we can move on with our lives as he would have wanted. The Pain will never go totally away for those that loved him for he was a son, brother, husband, Dad and Best friend... Together we will honor his memory by living our lives to the fullest.  As I would tell Luke “Bulldog Rules”... We will be okay in time…


Keep dancing’ Larry B

 

 

 

 

 

 

For My Best Friend, Luke Henry-Words of Remembrance

Luke asked me several months ago to speak for him at his funeral. I asked him if he was sure because he had others in his life that had known him longer if not his whole life. He gave me that typical Luke cockeyed expression and said “You are my Best Friend, You take care of me and I asked you—Yes or No!"

So I stood before those there to celebrate my Best Friend’s Life, honored to have had the privilege of knowing such a remarkable young man. Blessed to have had him in my life and  to call him my true Best Friend.

I struggled from that day to the day of the funeral on how to make Luke proud that he asked me to speak. How do you summarize a person’s life and really get across just who that person was. Each of us had our own unique perspective of who Luke Allen Henry was and what he meant to each one of us.

Luke was a son to Sarah and Butch.  A brother to Brian, a brother in law to Melissa, husband to Joyce, brother in law to Rob, son in law to William and Levena. He was an uncle, he was a colleague, and he was a friend.  The number one thing that Luke Henry was and I got to see this first hand so many times was he was a DAD to Michael and Katelyn.

Luke was a kid from Paducah, who was afraid of storms and took refuge till Sarah came in from work at Marilyn Stewart’s home.

Luke was a member of the Boys’ Choir; he had a beautiful voice from a young age. He befriended and showed kindness to a young boy named Glen. He toured Europe with the choir and even brought small gifts back for so many including his teachers at the church.

As young professional designing books at Turner Publishing, he was  brilliant at problem solving, and tormented Ina Morse with practical jokes at her expense. She told me that the one great memory she had of Luke was when he came to work one day and quietly told her he had met a girl... He told Ina how sweet and nice she was and how much he liked being with her. Ina said just by the tone of his voice and facial expressions, she knew he was already hooked on this girl named Joyce.

Luke had a quick wit and quirky sense of humor. This was one of the first things that I realized and from talking to his longtime friends he had this from an early age. Ina, Michelle, Joellyn and Glen, just to name a few all said when you were with Luke you were sure to laugh and sometimes at your own expense but always in a good natured way. I can attest to that as well.

Luke had a way with people although he described himself to me as a loner. He said that was why he went into computers and IT so he could work alone and at his pace.

After his Diagnosis, I saw all this support for him on his Facebook page, I told him you may see yourself as a loner but you are one loner that has touched a lot of souls. You have this vast support system whether you realize it or not.

Let me explain how Luke and I met and you will see what type of person he was. I teach line dancing as a way for me to exercise and relax. I had been trying get a contract with City of Clarksville. I decided I was going to canvas the Parks and Rec department till I got the right person. I thought okay anyone one with city id badge was my target this one day. Luke was coming out of the Parks and Rec building. I spotted ID and swooped in. Introduced myself, gave him my card and started my spill. He was very polite said he was in IT department and was not sure who I should speak too...

I thought okay, nice man but waste of my time. I got nothing but I told him you have my card with my phone and email, if you think of a name let me know. So I went into the P and R and was told the Lady I needed to see was on vacation to come back. The following week, I was back at city and the first person I saw as I got out of my van was Luke Henry.

Now I remembered his name because he was the first Luke I had ever truly met. I struck up another conversation, expressed my frustration with trying to get into see the right person with City. He might have thought I was stalking him because he was walking to his car and I just kept walking with him and chatting. Into the P & R building this time lady was in budget meeting.

A Week later I got a call to come in to discuss possibility of a class. The week after that I signed a contract, as I was signing the contract and Melissa stated that Luke Henry from IT had put in a good word on my behalf.

I got back to my office and sent Luke an email thanking him for putting a good word in for me.  That it was greatly appreciated especially since he really only met me a couple times. His response, "I figured you were a nice guy and was trying hard to get yourself established. No big deal."

Luke did not know just how big a deal this contract was to me... we kept in touch via email and our friendship just grew from that point on.

Luke became more than a friend to me. I called him my Little Bro. He was funny, a great sense of humor and a big heart. We simply clicked in so many ways.

Luke was a man of faith and he renewed my faith, just watching how he handled his diagnosis. He was at peace with the diagnosis and eventual outcome from the beginning.

Now I have been a nurse for over 31 years, I have worked in Hospice, long term disability and many other arenas. I never met a young man so at peace.  To tell you the truth it frustrated me to no end.  I wanted to scream, be angry, cry and yet Luke simply said God had told him as he sat at his favorite place on earth (Morton's overlook in the Smokey Mountains) “to Prepare” and that was what he planned to do.

He started calling me His Bulldog because if he mentioned something he needed or wanted to do for the kids or himself, I made it happen.

I organized his FB supporters into Luke’s Angels so as a group we could assist Luke with whatever he wanted to do with the kids or for himself.

Luke wanted to take Michael on his first airplane ride and he did

Luke wanted to take Katelyn to have an American Girl Experience and He did

Luke wanted a tattoo, he designed it and he got it with my encouragement. That night I almost lost Best Friend Status, I got two tattoos that night and he said I made it look so easy and not painful. I got the Luke Look for couple hours while he was getting his done.

Luke wanted to go tandem Hang gliding and I agreed to do it with him. I found the perfect place near Chattanooga, you could go 1500 feet or 3000 feet. I told Luke if we were doing it and I was being attached to a Big Kite then it was the 3000 foot flight.  It was the most amazing experience and a fantastic weekend for us to share.

He started living by a quote that he had put in his tattoo design.  He later learned it was from Mohammed Ali. “Don’t Count the Days Make the Days Count”. Luke did just that he made every day count especially for Katelyn and Michael.

Luke Henry 5/14/69-I have quoted that statement what seems like a hundred times for Luke over the past few months. That name and date are for every ingrained in my soul.  So much so that I recently went to an appointment for myself on the medical form for date of birth I instantly wrote 5/14/69. I had to really think hard to remember my own DOB.

Luke A Henry, man of faith, son, brother, husband, Dad, Best Friend. We will always have you in our hearts and know you will always be watching over us here. We will miss you and Love you my friend...

 

keep dancin' Larry B

 

 

 

A Man and His Word!

A repost in honor of my Best Friend Luke Henry.  Little Bro. I kept my word as I said I would. Miss you..

I am always amazed when I tell someone I will do something and when I do it; how surprised they seem to be that I am a person that keeps his word.  I suppose we all become jaded toward our fellow man that we expect nothing. So we are surprised when someone actually does what they say they will do.

I was reared in the Midwest and it was instilled into me as a young child that you do whatever you state you will do.  Be that for the family, friends or strangers.   I was taught that you treat others as you wish to be treated. You state you will do something you do it and that everyone was the same in God’s eye and you should treat everyone the same.

I strive to be a good man and to do whatever I can to help others in need. I see so much hate, so much distrust and so much of the “ME” attitude around me. I can understand at times because of the economy, stress of job and family that one can become this way easily.  I can say that I have seen less of this since moving back to the Midwest and it is very refreshing to actually have others even say “hello”,” thank you” and “How may I help you”.

Is it that in the larger metropolitan areas that everyone is just too busy trying to survive?  They have forgotten that the only way to truly survive is to reach out to others, to accept the differences that God has created and to treat each other with respect and dignity.  I don’t have the answers and probably never will.

I know that who I am I cannot change. I know I will always look after my family, my friends and try to help complete strangers. It is what I do and hopefully it is enough.  I may not be rich in terms of wealth but I am rich beyond believe with love, understanding and compassion for those in my life and those that I encounter along the way in this life.

I recently told a  friend that is dealing with a health crisis that no matter what I was going to be there to assist him and his family. I was not going anywhere. It is who I was, that once you become a friend you become part of my family. I am like an old grizzly bear protective to my last breath.  I think at first he was skeptical that I would be there for him and his family.  I think he has come to realize that I am a man of my word. 

I honor my word, with action and not just speech. I honor my family and my beliefs by doing the best I can each and every day.  It is who I am, it is what I am.  Who among you can say the same?

Friendship

This is a repost of an article that was published back in January and inspired by my Friend Luke Henry.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

Friendship is a distinctively personal relationship that is grounded in a concern on the part of each friend for the welfare of the other, for the other's sake, and that involves some degree of intimacy. As such, friendship is undoubtedly central to our lives, in part because the special concern we have for our friends must have a place within a broader set of concerns, including moral concerns, and in part because our friends can help shape who we are as persons.

Developing friendships can be difficult in today’s society. Who can you trust with the intimate details of your life?  Who is not just out there to use you and then discard you once they achieve their goal? We face this every day and moving to a new location only emphasizes the difficulty of meeting and making new friends.

Yet there are times in your life that you happen to talk to a person for short time, then by chance meet them again. You talk and in only a few moments of conversation you know in your heart that this is a good person and worthy of exploring a friendship. I have had this awesome experience a few times in my life that only after a brief conversation knew that person and I would become long lasting friends.

This recently occurred and I know my life has been enriched by meeting this person.  This new found friend is someone that I instantly felt comfortable to open my life too and have developed a close connection within just a short time.  They say the Good Lord places people in our lives at certain times for a reason and I believe this to be the case.

For there is no other reason I can think of that we would meet; start developing such a great friendship and then he is diagnosed with Cancer.  I felt cheated, upset, and simply royally pissed off. I mean why him and why now.  God knows I don’t make friends easily; this hillbilly can be a difficult person to deal with to say the least.  So yes, I was a little ticked off.

Since my Mom’s passing, I call upon her for guidance; she after all is one of my guardian angels. As I was talking to her the other night, this beautiful white tail Doe walks out of the woods and comes within 20 feet of me. She did not run off but simply stood there and stare directly at me. For me that was the sign I needed, I knew I was on the right path at this juncture in my life.

I knew in my heart what I had to do, first I had to come to terms with the fact that my friend was in a crisis.  The next thing was simple; to have friends you have to be one and I am determined to be the best friend this individual has ever had in his life. 

Of course, I have teased him because you know laughter is the best medicine; He now has to deal with the stubborn Hillbilly who will badger him to stay motivated, positive and to take every day by the horns.  

The following are two quotes that really hit home for me when it comes to friendship. The first is just one I think is cute yet true, the last one is one that is close to my heart and the way I feel about my friends.

“If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them; I'd be at the bottom to catch them.”

A friend is someone who, upon seeing another friend in immense pain, would rather be the one experiencing the pain, than to have to watch their friend suffer.
-- Amanda Gier

So yes, as always WE will Keep Dancin’ Larry B

Respect the Patient

I recently was put in the position to be my best friend's Power of Attorney and Medical Advocate while on a trip to Florida.  When the two of us traveled anywhere we carry the necessary paperwork so we were prepared. I recommend everyone to prepare Advance Medical Directives and to have several copies distributed to you medical provider and your designated advocate. Emergencies can happen without notice and it is only prudent to be prepared.

We experienced top profession care and service in the Emergency Room at University Hospital to get Luke stabilized. The nursing staff was respectful and recognized my role as his Advocate and POA.  They worked quickly and constantly talked to Luke as they did their duties. They sought my input and approval on all procedures.

Our experience in the Intensive Care Unit was again top of the line in care. The physicians consulted on Luke's case also respected my role and allowed me to give Luke's current medical history, recent lad results and treatment. They respected the plan that Luke and I had agreed to prior to this incident which was to get him stable enough to get back to his medical team at Vanderbilt in Nashville.

Once Luke was moved to the medical floor is where we encountered our issues with the staff. Several staff members came into room stated what they planned to do and not one of the introduced themselves or acknowledged Luke. I asked about a private room and was spoken to like I was a misbehaved child. So I simply asked to speak to the nursing supervisor.

I explained who I was in relation to Luke and related that her staff needed to have a refresher on respecting the patient and family. I explained what had occurred in the first two hours of being brought to the floor. I advised her that since Luke was having some confusion issues that it was important for staff to identify themselves upon entering room and that should be common practice for all patients.

I advised her I would be speaking to each shift on what I expected for Luke and she agreed with everything.  A few days later, she stopped me in hall and asked if everything was going well. I told her that I had seen a change in behaviors in just a few days.

As a nurse, I understand the stress of working on a hospital floor but it was important to me to always introduce myself and develop a bond with all my patients and family. As a patient advocate, it was my duty to ensure Luke was treated with care and respect.

It is the responsibility of all nurses to remember that we are not just providing care but are also patient advocates. We are to hold each person in the highest regard and respect. As the corporations that operate our hospitals continue to work on ways to cut cost which usually means nurse/patient ratio will eventually increase, it becomes more important for there to be patient advocates for when the patient is not able to speak up for themselves.

If I had not had the appropriate paperwork, Luke and I would have had a different experience when dealing with this health crisis. If I had not been there to speak up for Luke, he would not been treated with the respect he deserved or possibly the care he needed timely. Not so much because the staff did not care but due to work load.

As a Medical professional, I have believe we need to take a more active role in dealing with those in control of the administration of facilities we find ourselves in. There needs to be more education for professional and laymen on patient advocacy. Each of us needs to ensure the proper paperwork is completed and distributed so your Advance Medical Directives are known and your Medical Advocates are able to ensure they are followed.

Keep Dancin' Larry B